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herb garden

we'll only find out if this was love in the arms of another.


i am lonely

i keep thinking.. i wish you loved me.
but i don't know who and i don't know love.

i am slowly going crazy.. 1 2 3 4 5 6 switch
crazy going slowly am i.. 6 5 4 3 2 1 switch

la la la i want to fall in love..
like xiao feng says..
and have mike he walk out of the ocean =^^=

la la la i want to fall in love..
fall in love..
fall in love with you.


family matters

i'm feeling that feeling again.. bitchiness.

allow me to start with a cliche: every family has its problems.
my family works on the basis that as long as we're fragmented individuals, we'll be ok.
put us together in a room for 10 minutes and we could be all dead.
they're my family in the sense that they feed me, clothe me, roof-over-my-head me.
they're my family in the sense of money, tangible goods, and television watching.
they're my family and i love them.. sorta.

going back one generation, my parents', and we get an even more fragmented picture.
i would have liked to have gotten to know my grandparents,
but all i'll ever know is what my parents' thought of them.
then again, i would like to know my parents, but yet again they're too closed off.
my current conclusion is that they've lived entire lives before 'becoming' parents.
by birth, i have no right to truly ask for the answers i want. maybe when i'm older.

on par with other families, i would say we're ok. we have a system. it works most of the time.
we don't have arguements with one another because we don't talk to one another.
we don't get involved with each other's lives. we could be mistaken for liberal roomates.

i wish i could communicate better with them, especially my mom.
i want to know what she thinks it means to be a woman, a mother, a sister.
i want to know what she thinks it means to be a friend, a lover, a wife.
i want to know what she dreams, wishes, regrets, hopes, feels.
i want to know what she expects of me.

i want to understand.

(8) So the good boys and girls
take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books
but they can't find the answers

(8) And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've
wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies


a person with nothing - part ii

i've lost sight of my independence and strength.
to take care of myself, i should know better, know more, know.. everything..
so that means studying. and umm learning things. ...

sigh. my diet is shot.. ahha..
arthur gave me chocolate. =| it was good haha
i ate wayy too much

yes.. i will PWN my exams if it kills me.

a person with nothing

april 10:

fending for myself.
I'm so tired of taking care of myself.
I'm so tired of protecting myself.
I'm so tired of being afraid.

What is seriously wrong with me.
yes the right one will come when the time is right.
so not a moment before.

(8)and i'm too weak
and i'm too busy
remembering how to smile
and how to be happy

April 11:

with no one to care for me, comfort me, be there for me,
I can only become stronger, tougher, harder.
I can only rely on myself for everything.

it's not my mom's fault, not richard's, not vivian's, not lesley's.
it's my own damn fault.
my own damn fault that i'm such a fuck up.

i just remembered it's my dad's birthday this weekend.

(8) supppose i said
i'm on my best behaviour
there are times
i lose my worried mind.

(8) would you want me
when i'm not myself?
wait it out while
i am someone else.

(8)and i, in time, will come around
i always.. do.. for you

whoever you are.

so i should get something for my dad.
i don't know how to get a better daughter.

it's so easy to find the excuses
but they don't excuse what i did, or rather what i didn't do
it's so easy to say i came up with the idea on friday, worked on it saterday, struggled to finish it on sunday, thought about the presentation monday and bought random crap, went to choir, came home and worked some more until 4, crashed, burned, woke up at 6, back to work, back to school for cmn, didn't finish cmn, went to more classes, didn't study for my french exam, failed my french exam and went home, talked some more about the presentation and thought about what to wear and how to dress and what to say, and then FUCKED UP.

try it. you'll find it just as easy to say.

it's so easy to fall apart
it's the keeping together, the keeping up appearances.
"michele's strong, michele's tough, michele doesn't cry, michele doesn't break down, michele would hurt someone if she was threatened."

should i revel in the fact that ppl feel they have to consult me before doing something?
no i always ask why ppl do that, and it's because they're afraid of me, afraid of my harsh words and verbal slap in the face.
they feel they have to run everything by me.
maybe because i'm so exacting, demanding, laser-like precision.

i seem to kill so many things around.
i was just thinking yesterday how the world would probably be better off without me.

it's not really a suicide thought. just because i'm not there doesn't mean i'm dead.
but i honestly thought about it too. what would i do with myself?

if only i could become a person with nothing. but life is not a drama, or anime, or a movie.

i want to be a person with nothing

today, while watching a tennis match on television, I remembered something that my high school calculus teacher said everyday,
and often times many times a day: "Life is not a spectator sport!" and of course in his big booming santa claus voice.
what he meant at the time was of course beyond me.

then I logged onto lj and saw a couple's engagement on the interweb.
curiosity ensues and I read about their love story.
really quite a lovely couple. wish them all the best

I really needed that jolt to remind me of the magic of love.
I think I've been more down than up these months.
I tell myself it's a cyclical thing, but I'm not so sure I'm not in a rut anymore.

waiting on things that have less that point 1 percent chance of happening.
just to keep myself from having to actually participate in life.
just to keep myself as isolated as possible; this is not the strength I want.

hello fear of others
hello fear of posibles
hello fear of love
hello hello

I do make things more complicated than they have to be.
perhaps I should make an effort to simplify my life.
find direction, find means, pursue life.

I wish I could take credit for the way this is said, but alas, no.
this is an excerpt from a movie that I really liked
and it puts into words the way i'm feeling these days:
        Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though.
	It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. 
	Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. 
	I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. 
	You know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, 
	when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, 
	if I wasn't there, you know making some stupid joke. 
	I think that's why so many people hate themselves. 
	Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves. 
	Let's say that you and I were together all the time, 
	then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. 
	The way, uh, the way every time we would have people over, uh, 
	I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. 
	Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. 
        You see, I've heard all those stories. 
	So of course I'm sick of myself.


Poetry by Shel Silverstein


  I opened my eyes
  And looked up at the rain,
  And it dripped into my head
  And it flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie on my bed
Is slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

  I step very softly,
  I walk very slow,
  I can't do a handstand- 
  I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said-
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.

Dedication to my dear mee-koo:


I have nothing to put in my stew, you see,
Not a bone or a bean or a black-eyed pea,
So I'll just climb in the pot to see
If I can make a stew out of me.
I'll put in some pepper and salt and I'll sit
In the bubbling water-I won't scream a bit.
I'll sing while I simmer, I'll smile while I'm stewing,
I'll taste myself often to see how I'm doing.
I'l stir me around with this big wooden spoon
And serve myself up at quarter to noon.
So bring out your stew bowls,
You gobblers and snackers.
Farewell-and I hope you enjoy me with crackers!

Dedication to my dear krystle rainbow rae:

         HUG O' WAR

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.



angry entry

I make NO APOLOGY for what i'm about to write.
I've even put in an lj cut so don't read it if you're fragile.
VIEWER DISCRETION IS IN EFFECT.. seriously don't read it if you don't have to.

serious anger explosion. viewer discretion is advisedCollapse )

on the other hand.. i want a pastry bag to make more delicious stuff =)
i want to make Baci D'Alassio also known as chocolate hazelnut kisses <3 =^^=


twenty days later..

i don't like this ><~

toughie two weeks..
last week was a lot of school work
coupled with the missing of the weaksauce performance
sigh.. i really wanted to go
and so now i'm sick this week..

bumped into..... daniel? i think that's his name
i couldn't remember it ><~
and umm yea.. idk

random update cuz it's the 22nd.
just cause.

i have too much fun with richard
we made pasta and sauce in food this week
vivian and lesley went home
it was nice to just have richard and me
cuz fewer ppl are easier to work with i feel
especially in the ktichen lor
he 'ran' off after food to deliver his pasta to lillian
humz i knew he still liked her
anyways.. the sauce took so long.. mr richard and his roux
i 'da gor heen' for him at the end
cuz i thought it would take too long for it to be creamy
and it was soooo creamy after lols.. yay cornstarch
i didn't have any creamy stuff..
i just wanted a simple oilyish pasta lol..
we also had red and yellow bell peppers and pancetta
yum it was.

As each morning brings the sunrise
And the flowers bloom in springtime
On my lovin', you can rely
And I'll stay with you
And when the dark clouds arise
I will stay by your side
And I know we'll be alright
I will stay with you

quest for a better self

I'm starting on a quest to mold my outer image to hopefully match my inner self.
It includes a strict regimen of a nutritional diet, a regular workout and a new wardrobe.
Most of this is regulated by my mother which I am comfortable with.
The idea for this change comes from myself and is reenforced by my mom.
I have to put together a weekly schedule to include meals, study time and exercise.

emotionsCollapse )

so i finished |devil beside you| and 'less than three' it a lot.
made me feel better that even qi yue didn't have an official bf until twenty.
also stupid i know but it just reconfirms that there might be something wrong.
i love how ahmon tells her that no matter what happened,
he would have found her and they would have been together.
and i love how he likes that she keeps him from being the biggest devil.
because i would also tell my bf that love everything about him.
i like when he says 'if i'm nice to her, she won't tell me the truth.'
it really tells the viewers that their relationship is one of a kind.
and also how 'sai sum' and understanding ahmon is towards qi yue.
(if i am cold and hard, i shall become a devil as well)

i have also started |love contract| because of mike he haha
it has a different feel than dby and ariel lin is nice to watch too.
the problems are present right from the beginning and makes it more complex.
it's also interesting how it is in manderin, taiwanese and japanese.
not trying to learning manderin from this drama hehe
on episode 4 la. not trying too hard to watch dramas lu.
school first.

dramas | devil beside you | love contract | express boy | hana yori dango | ichi ritoru no namida | densha otoko | hotelier | it started with a kiss | meteor garden | long vacation |
anime | bleach | yakitate japan | tsubasa chronicles | otome wa boku ni koi shiteru | da capo | dnangel | black cat | full metal alchemist | ouran high school club | full metal panic | death note | love hina | initial d | tokyo underground | uchuu no stellvia | xtv |